Just call me Britney

I am now sporting an attractive shaved head look, a la Britney Spears circa 2007. Of course my head shaving episode was lacking the drama of Britney's - no superstardom, umbrellas, paparazzi or mental illness here, just hubby and I in the bathroom with clippers borrowed from the neighbours.

I can't say that the no-hair look suits me but it had to be done - long hair was coming out everywhere, which was getting annoying:

The photo was taken on Thursday morning and I now have a few actual bald spots, but I am surprised that I still actually have quite a lot of the very short hairs. I thought that I would be  completely bald within a few days but obviously not. The hairs are quite "loose" though, lots come out when I rub my scalp, especially in the shower.

I ventured out a couple of times yesterday, trying out a head scarf and then a wig. I felt quite self-conscious, particularly in the wig, but hopefully I'll get used to it. The head scarf is really easy and comfortable, and much cooler than the wig given that we finally have some hot weather, so think I'll wearing the scarves much more often than the wigs.

In other news: grapefruit eating and topless sunbathing are going well.

Chemo 1 - day 16 - hair loss!

Well, it would seem that my hair has officially started coming out, pretty much on schedule. It isn't really coming out in clumps yet, you can't tell yet just by looking at my head. It is more like moulting that I get anyway, just much much more. Quite a handful came out this morning, stray hairs are going everywhere, so I think that today will be the big shave day! Will post pics later...

Also, last night I went to a talk by Don Tolman, an American who specializes in self care and health. Very interesting. He recommends no medical treatment for cancer (which is a bit too excessive to me) but he has ideas for the body healing itself using wholefoods and other health principles, which I will definitely be doing alongside the Chemo. My cravings have been for fresh and healthy foods, mainly fruit and veggies, so it actually makes sense to me. I can't quite imagine myself going vego or vegan but I'm definitely trying to cut down on processed food and meat, so not much of a stretch.

I briefly spoke to him afterwards and his specific recommendations for breast cancer were (1) citrus fruit (might give grapefruit a try, haven't eaten it since I found it too bitter as a child!), (2) minimize bra wearing to encourage flow of lymphatic fluid (easy enough), and (3) maximize sunshine on my boobs (topless sunbathing in the garden here I come!) nothing too controversial or expensive, so going to give it a try, see how my body likes it :)

Chemo 1 - day 12

Feeling much perkier this week, actually have stamina to do things for a few hours without needing a lie down, which is definitely progress! Hair still fully intact, guessing it will start falling out in the next week or so. I bought another wig yesterday for when I feel like a change - still conservative though, a dark brown bob, despite the temptation to buy a bright blue or pink party bob! Didn't think I'd actually wear it, though I would fit in fine in newtown when going to the hospital and it might cheer up the Chemo suite...

Life List

Ten years ago, when I was living in the Philippines, I was given a sharp lesson in the "life is short" school of thought when I was in a fatal boat accident. The boat capsized in a storm and eight people (of twenty-six on board) drowned. We were all just people getting on with life, on the way home from a nice beach resort, and some, including a couple who had been there on their honeymoon, just died in a few tragic minutes. Later that day I was on a boat home with the other survivors and as we came into Batangas port suddenly the storm cleared, the sun came out and a pod of dolphins swam alongside us, seemingly guiding us back to the safety of the mainland - an "I'm alive!" moment!

Life really can be short and everyone should make the most of it. Admittedly I'm a far too sensible accountant-type person to take that to the extreme "live every day as if it were the last" philosophy, since in reality it probably won't be. However, my current diagnosis has got me thinking of my "life list" - things that I would really like to see / do / experience during my lifetime.  I've realised that I've been very lucky and have already done some amazing things, so I am going to include these on my list and just cross them off - if I've already been skydiving and swum with sharks, I really don't think it is cheating to count it :)

So, I am going to create my list here and cross items off as I do them or add to it as I think of new ones. Hopefully over the next six months I'll be able to do a few of them and put plans in place for completing a few more once my treatment is done...

1. See all of Shakespeare's plays (theatre, movie, DVD, BBC adaptation, etc)
2. New York: climb the Statue of Liberty, walk through Central Park, visit the 5 boroughs, drink a Cosmopolitan in a SATC-style bar
3. Eat sushi and sushimi in Japan
4. Drink a Singapore Sling at Raffles Hotel Singapore
5. Taste wine in:
• Penfolds Magill Estate & Barossa Valley, SA, Australia
• Hunter Valley, NSW, Australia - 2005
• Yarra Valley, VIC, Australia - 2001
• Margaret River, WA, Australia - 2003
• Champagne, France - 1991
• Napa Valley, California, USA - 2009
6. Ride a gondola in Venice
7. Do one of Wainwright's walks in the Lake District, UK
8. Ride a cable car in San Francisco - 2009
9. Get the Eurostar from London to Paris
10. See a show at the Moulin Rouge
11. Ski in Banff - Sunshine & Lake Louise, 2009/10
12. Drive from LA to Las Vegas in a convertible
13. Go to a baseball game at Wrigley Field, Chicago - 2006
14. Go to a basketball game at Madison Square Gardens, New York
15. Go to a football game at Wembley Stadium, London - Luton Town, 1992
16. Go to an ice hockey game in Canada - Calgary Flames, 2009
17. Watch my team win a premiership - St George Illawarra Dragons, NRL Major (& Minor) Premiers 2010
18. Helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon
19. See the Taj Mahal - 2009
20. Walk on the Great Wall of China
21. Look for the Loch Ness Monster - Loch Ness, Scotland, 2004 (didn't find Nessie, but I looked!)
22. Climb Sydney Harbour Bridge - with WorleyParsons overseas finance team, 2008
23. Fly international first class - Emirates Sydney-Auckland-Sydney, 2004
24. Helicopter ride over the Great Barrier Reef - Campbells Sales Conference, 2005
25. Hold a tarsier monkey in my hand
26. Go on an African safari
27. Swim (scuba dive) with sharks - 3-4m Thresher sharks, Malapascua Island, Philippines, 2000
28. Swim with a whale shark
29. See a koala (not in a zoo) - Noosa Heads, Australia, 2010
30. Skydive - Townsville, Australia, 2001
31. Bungee jump - Cairns, Australia, 2001
32. Scuba dive - Padi OW: Red Sea, Egypt 1998; Divemaster: Great Barrier Reef, Australia 2001
33. Make a cuddly toy
34. Run City to Surf - 105 minutes, 2004
35. Learn to pole dance - "Kaz's 40 things before 40", Surry Hills, 2010
36. Learn to trapeze
37. Learn to roller blade
38. Learn to water ski
39. Be able to locate every country in the world on a map and name its capital city
40. Learn a language
41. Write a song
42. Ride in a hot air balloon
43. Fly in an open cockpit plane
44. Drive a ferrari
45. Ride on one of the biggest/fastest roller coasters in the world
46. Have dinner at Tetsuyas
47. Learn to play poker
48. Solve the Rubik's Cube
49. Grow a Bonsai tree
50. Design and make a necklace
51. Do charity volunteer work - Sydney Cats & Dogs Home, 2010
52. Spend a day at a luxury spa - The Observatory Spa, Sydney, 2006
53. Find and marry the love of my life - Sydney Harbour, 2007
54. Get a tattoo - my 19th birthday
55. Drink absinthe - The Imperial Hotel, Newtown, 2005
56. Ride a Harley
57. Climb an active volcano
58. Experience weightlessness
59. Go to a film premiere, preferably wearing a glam Alex Perry frock

Chemo 1 - Day 5

I think writer's block might be setting in - I'm finding it difficult to express myself clearly at this point. I'm getting used to the feeling of slight nausea and tiredness - it's like I've had a bit of a hangover for five days (without the memory of a fun night to make it worthwhile!) It is strange really, as I'm not feeling great, but I can't say I feel terrible either - I just feel listless and sooky, a bit vague, foggy, not like myself... I would really like to curl up and go to sleep for awhile and just wake up feeling better.

Hopefully once I get used to chemo and feel a bit chirpier I will be able to put this more eloquently, but for now I would like to say that I really do appreciate all of the support that people have been giving to me. This experience would certainly be a whole lot worse if I was dealing with it on my own, so thanks to everyone for your thoughts, prayers, positive vibes, gifts, flowers, cards and visits :)

Chemo 1 - Day 3

Yesterday was better than the first day, stil feeling a bit sick and really tired but thankfully minimal retching. Sweating a lot at night though, which isn't mentioned as a side effect. My wee is no longer bright red/orange, which is good as that was a bit alarming (even if expected). No sign of hair loss yet but I think that takes a few weeks and no mouth sores yet (not sure when they are supposed to come).

For those who like to research and/or are interested in details about my diagnosis and treatment:

• Chemo is more frequently done after surgery, but in my case the tumour is large and a bit messy, so they wouldn't be able get it out with "clean margins" (healthy cells surrounding it) so the aim is to shrink it with chemo first, then do the surgery
• Because I haven't had surgery yet, I can only get a clinical, rather than pathological, diagnosis - meaning they don't know exactly how big the tumour is, how many lymph nodes are affected, etc
• The tumour has come up as estrogen receptive, meaning once the chemo is done I'll take daily hormone pills for five years, I think to try to stop it coming back [it was negative for progesterone and HER2 so I won't be having those treatments]
• My first three chemo cycles are with a combination of drugs called FEC - this website gives a bit more info on how it works and the potential side effects: http://www.healthcentral.com/breast-cancer/c/78/10888/chemo-faqs-fec/
• My second three chemo cycles will be with docetaxel - can't find a neat website on this one, but apparently it's a bit nastier than FEC

Because I am relatively young to get breast cancer, my oncologist has recommended seeing a genetic counsellor to see whether I had a genetic predisposition and assess the impacts if that is the case. I think maybe a double masectomy might be recommended to try to prevent recurrence in the other side but I am just guessing. On well, if that is the case then at least I would be even and could get a matching pair boob job :)

Chemo - 1 down, 5 to go

I had my first chemo session today, so I have officially started my breast cancer fight. It took ages - I got there at 9am and by the time I had a blood test, met with the oncologist, waited for them to prepare the chemo, got hooked up in the chemo suite then actually received all of the drugs, it was 2pm before I was done. Drugs were delivered by IV in my hand, which didn't really hurt, and I felt ok enough afterwards to have a big lunch (possibly not the best idea!) But I have to admit that I am now feeling a bit sick and a bit tired. I think that I have some quality couch time coming up over the next few days, probably with a sick bucket close to hand :( Oh well, hopefully if it is making me feel ill it is doing something really nasty to those pesky cancer cells!

Wig Shopping

Ever practical and wanting to be prepared, I bought my new wig yesterday. Unfortunately the wig shop wouldn't let me take photos so I could put the choice to a blog poll - spoilsports. However, I can report that mother nature got it right in making me a brunette - I looked truly terrible as a blonde! I didn't even try red after the blonde ones were so bad. "Dark chocolate" definitely looked best and I think will even when I have no eyebrows or eyelashes. Actually, I think that my new hair might be better than my natural hair - better behaved, sleeker and shinier! Admittedly I wasn't very adventurous - my new do is similar to my current one - perhaps I can save adventure for the short hair look I'll need to rock next year :)

Me in the winning wig!

I've also ordered a selection of hats and scarves from the US - much cheaper than here (go the Aussie dollar!) I had to get the pre-tied scarves, as I am a bit too unco (and/or lazy) to tie my own, even if instructions are provided. (Lesson learnt from the "wear 100 ways" skirt/dress that I bought and have only ever worn one way - the easiest way).

I'm planning to shave my head when the hair starts coming out (in 1.5-2 weeks) or perhaps even next weekend (to get it over with). Possibly after a couple of drinks :) Even though the oncologist said that everyone loses their hair on these drugs, you can't help but wonder if there is a chance that it won't...I imagine it would be somewhat annoying to shave my head (and spend $500 on a wig) and then find out I didn't need to... Think it is a safe bet though - 100% chance is fairly definite :)

I'm feeling a little bit nervous about starting chemo on tuesday, mainly the anticipation of how it will impact me, given the pages of side effects that I have read about. Apparently some people actually put on weight going through chemo - I'll be very upset if I am one of them! I am also looking foward to just getting started. Whilst everything has happened really quickly, in some ways it also seems to have taken forever, with new tests almost every day but no actual action yet to get rid of it. The tumour feels like it weighs a ton at the moment, so I'm really hoping for some notable shrinkage asap! Once the treatment gets underway then at least I'll (hopefully) be able to see some progress.

Treatment Plan

Today I met with the oncologist today to get my treatment plan and staging results. The good news is that the CT and bone scans were clear, so no detectable cancer outside of the breast and axillary (armpit) lymph nodes yet. Therefore I'm not at stage IV (the highest => worst stage). However, I am at stage III, which is still bad, but could be worse.

The bad news is that given the size and aggression of the tumor I will most likely need to have a masectomy once I get to the surgery stage, rather than just a lumpectomy. This is the most upsetting part of today; I was hoping I would get away with breast conserving surgery. I guess I have a few months to get my head around losing one of the girls...

I will be starting chemo next tuesday, then having it every three weeks, six times, three sets of one drug combo then three sets of another. My hair will fall out within two weeks of the first treatment, so I'll be bald in three weeks time! Not so much time to get my head around that. Helpfully, the hospital has a wig library (!!!) so I can try a few styles on, see how they suit me, then borrow for the duration. Perhaps I'm destined to be blonde...ha ha, or maybe not. Weirder will be losing my eyebrows as I won't be able to hide that. Losing body hair will save on waxing though :)

They recommended shaving my head before the hair starts to fall out, as it will come out quite quickly and go everywhere. That will be pretty tough. Have to take some "before" photos soon too. So surreal to even be thinking about all of this now, especially since two weeks ago I was just concerned with whether or not it would rain so I could put the top down on the convertible. What a charmed life I was living - funny how life turns around and bites you on the arse when you least expect it :)

Anyway, after chemo is done I'll have surgery and then possibly radiotherapy too. They will do some more tests to see if the cancer is receptive to hormones and/or herception, if so they'll add those treatments in too. All a bit overwhelming, but I'll just have to trust the doctors and stay positive that I'll beat this.

P.S. No joy in the Melbourne Cup, again. Maybe next year.

A bone scan, an internet scam and the Melbourne Cup

Bit sore at the moment with bruising from the biopsies but otherwise feeling ok. I am meeting with the oncologist today, to find out my chemo plan and probably the full diagnosis including staging. Kinda scary. Fingers crossed there are no nasty surprises, i.e. it has spread further than my armpit lymph nodes. Not sure when chemo will start, but from what the specialist said previously it will be either this week or next...

Yesterday I had a bone scan, which apparently looked clear so at least some good news :) The girl asked me to take off my bra and lie down on the machine, which I did, she was horrified when she came back in and I was topless, ha ha, covered her eyes and said to put my top back on! Oops, bit of a miscommunication there. Must be getting to be a bit of an exhibitionist - used to medical types wanting to have a look at the girls!

Thought we had managed to sell the car on the weekend, admittedly to a strange sounding chap who was "at sea", wanted to surprise his wife who had just given birth in Perth and pay by paypal, but noooo...all a scam, no doubt by some dodgy Nigerian... Googled it just to check as it sounded suss and according to this website http://www.suite101.com/content/car-buying-scam-using-paypal-a215956 at some point he would have asked me to transfer money by western union to pay a pick up agent who doesn't take paypal. Cheeky bugger. Funnily enough he hasn't replied back to my email - I was really polite too :)

P.S. my pick for the Melbourne Cup is Once Were Wild. Ha ha, not a hot tip though - I haven't picked a winner yet in 10 years, but maybe I'll get lucky today.